Frustration Kills

Right now I feel like I’m in college again sitting in front of my computer the night before a paper is due trying to figure out what I’m supposed to write for a class paper. I’m tense in my face, especially my forehead. Frustration is gripping my body. I have all these thoughts going through my head about what I want to say yet I have no idea where to start or how to put it in words for it to make sense. I’m at a point where I want to cry. Cry because I have something to say but I have no idea how to communicate it. Does this ever happen to you?

The thoughts in my head are running around like a 5 yr old boy who woke up early to eat the rest of his birthday cake.  The thoughts won’t stop and I have no idea how to control them or even understand them but my need to figure it out is so strong that I’m troubled as to how I can figure out how to solve this problem.

My mind goes to Knowmads. The constant question “What is it that I want to learn?” Why the heck is this so hard for me to answer? Why can’t I pinpoint exactly what it is? Do I need choices and then I can get inspired from them? Why can I never figure out on my own what it is? I know deep down inside that I truly do know. I can feel the feelings. But I can’t put those feelings into words. I can see glimpses of thoughts. But they’re there for a split second and then disappear. Both the feelings and thoughts come back but they come back slightly different then before. Again, I remind myself how frustrated I am that I don’t know what it is I want to learn.

Figuring out what I want to learn at Knowmads is extremely important to me because I believe going in with an intention to something helps bring it into reality. Not having a clear intention makes me feel like I’m missing out on a huge opportunity to get what I want out of my year at Knowmads. Not knowing is killing me. How do I figure this out?

The 2nd question that keeps flashing through my brain is “What is it that I’m learning at Knowmads?” I’ve been doing a better job at this but it’s never in the way that I think does it justice. The story isn’t good enough. I know it can be better (now I’m sounding like a perfectionist). Plus, is what I’m learning at Knowmads really what I want to learn? Can I do this in other settings? Can I do this in other places where I will get more professional/expert teaching? Is that fair to say?

There have been a few things I can honestly say I have enjoyed at Knowmads and I believe if we have more of these types of workshops I’d really come out in 1 year with a combination of knowledge I couldn’t get anywhere else.

1. The business canvas model (though the pace of this workshop was extremely too fast that I didn’t learn as much as I could’ve)
2. The crowd funding workshop
3. Nonviolent Communication: every person needs to take NVC to become aware of how they communicate on a personal and business level
4. Deep Democracy: An interesting tool in order to make group decisions. Though I feel like our 2 day workshop only scratched the surface of DD
5. Model Minds Visual Harvesting Workshop

I find this to be a very small list. That’s 5 substantial workshops in 4 months. Be it this month we’ve limited our amount of workshops due to Project Mayhem, a project I co-created with another Knowmad, so I have to take that in consideration.

I’m not trying to undercut Knowmads, I’m only trying to figure out what it is I need in order to make the most out of Knowmads. I really do love it but there’s a tiny voice in my head that says “you’re not doing what you need to be doing.” And again I go back to “what is it that I need to be doing?” My heart is telling me I know but my brain isn’t letting me figure it out. There’s all this stuff just flying around in complete disarray up there.

The council recently told us we have the green light to look for a coach within the Knowmads database. I wonder if it’s because I have no idea what I want do (which is not true) or how to explain it in words, or if it’s because I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with a coach, but I’m having an extremely hard time picking one. What the heck do I do with a business coach? I want to learn all parts of business because I’m a knowledge junkie but I don’t want to be an expert in all the fields. If I reach out to an entrepreneur what do I do with them? How can there be mutual benefit if I don’t even know what questions to ask them? Is this my social anxieties projecting onto this coaching thing?

A lesson that is constantly coming up in my life is communicating what you’re feeling, any apprehensions, doubts, worries, fears, questions, just put them out on the table. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling like this. I haven’t properly put all this out there on the table. I haven’t been asked the right questions. However, this is blaming others and that makes me even more frustrated that I would go to such a level.

But this constant desire to want to know exactly what I’m thinking and feeling so I can put it into words and communicate it is beyond frustrating because I feel like I’m not capable of doing it. What interesting tools are out there in order for me to solve this problem? It has to do with the questions I ask myself. Please, someone help me get out of this trap. Help me figure out better questions to ask. As the saying goes, “Change your questions, change your life.” Or may be I just need to get some sleep and it will all be better in the morning.

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